I was supposed to be on sick leave for two weeks, the doctors said.  But I'm self-employed, and stupidly proud, so I turned down alimony when we got divorced.  Which means that if I don't work, I don't have any money.  So I just took 2 days off, and tried to do shorter days for some time.  I'm so tired.  Because of my illness, and probably because of the pregnancy.  And all the self-doubt and worry and harassment. 

How can I have this baby?  How can I afford to have this baby?  I barely have any money now, and I'm going to have to stop working in order to have it, hopefully just a little while.  But this year is a crucial year for my company, and if I don't work extra hard this year to make it sustainable, I'll have to close it down by the end of next year at the latest.  How can I work more and harder in those circumstances?

 

Last Sunday evening, you came as usual to drop our son off after your weekend together.  We generally have dinner together on Sunday, but that was before.  The last contact I had with you was three days before, where you'd insulted me by email, and ended up saying that it was useless speaking with me and you wished me a happy life with my child.  So I didn't really know what to expect, and was frankly dreading the encounter. 

You both arrived, and our son ran out in the garden to play in the fading sunlight.  You told me you wouldn't be staying for dinner, Oh, had I planned dinner? Sorry.  Of course I'd planned dinner.  We've had dinner together on Sundays for the last 2 years.   You also told me you'd made up your mind you wouldn't try to talk me into anything any more, and leave me alone.  However, you wanted nothing to do with the baby, and probably npthing to do with me either, as you refused to look at me getting bigger over the months.  That maybe, in a long long time, you'd ask for a paternity test.  That in fact, you weren't sure about all of this anyway, because you hadn't seen anything.  This pregnancy was not possible, because of condoms and morning-after pills, and that you hadn't seen any tests results, weren't present for the scan, so how could you know?  I asked you if you thought I'd actually make up something like this?  You didn't know, you said.  What can I say to such incredible questions?  I had to be quite aware that you would not be present for anything at any moment. 

So I cried some more, and you left, and I pulled myself together so that I could take care of our son and have a nice dinner. 

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, you'll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile...